Hammond Egger and the Flying Springer

            

            Hammond and Ester made it home from the city late the next day and went straight to bed after unloading the whistling chickens.

            While the Eggers were gone to the city with the whistling chickens, Yoakum had been as busy as his friends the beavers, gathering materials for them to work with. The beavers were working on the picture that Yoakum had given them and by the end of the first day they had moved their project to the Egger farm. They asked Yoakum if he could help them with their cold feet problem. It seems that being in water and mud all day made their feet awfully cold. Yoakum had learned from Hammond about “pondering” and he pondered up an idea.

            The second day at the farm started with the beavers hauling mud to the haystack next to the pig wallow. The beavers began sculpting a long gentle ramp, up one side of the haystack and a steep drop with a sharp upward ramp on the other end of the stack.

            The pigs began moving things about in their wallow. They put some hay bales around the sides and began selling spaces to the show.  “Come see Yoakum!” they said “‘See him do his thing with the big thing the beavers made!”                                                                                                                                    “What is it?” said the horse.                                                                                                                                      “Yes indeed” said the pigs. “The what and the why are the questions, but do you remember the last time when Yoakum did his honey feather project?”                                                                                                        “Well, yes” said the horse, you were the only ones who saw the whole thing and you charged the rest of us food to tell the story…….. OK, how much for a good view?”  

               With a happy snort the pigs sold prime spots around the wallow to all the farm animals.

            By mid day Yoakum had helped put the finishing touches on his “Soppy Camel.” Mr. and Mrs. Beaver said, “We will be back early in the morning Yoakum and help you bring this to the top of the haystack. The mud must dry over night, both on the haystack and on your “Soppy Camel.”

            Yoakum could hardly sleep that night. When he did finally fall asleep he dreamt of flying!

            The animals had all gathered around the pig’s wallow before the rising of the sun, watching as Yoakum and the beavers pushed the “Soppy Camel” up the long slope of the haystack. Reaching the top the beavers helped Yoakum put his diving mask on and got him settled in the cockpit of the carriage. Yoakum closed his eyes and barked “NOW!”  The beavers pushed, but the weight of Yoakum getting into the “Soppy Camel” had pushed the wheels a little farther down into the mud, and the beavers were having a hard time of it.   

 The farm animals began bellowing “GO Yoakum! Fly Yoakum!”                                                                 

            The Beavers yelled “We need somebody light and fast to help us push!” The Queen Bee, in her dog eared coat came and had the hive grab hold of the “Soppy Camel” and pull, but still it did not move. The farmyard was filled with animals yelling encouragement to Yoakum.                                                       

The chickens were whistling “The Army Air Force Song” all about the “wild blue yonder” when a voice said “Yoakum, hang on tight! The rest of you clear the way!” It was Goatee the goat. He was forty yards away from the bottom of the ramp and charging fast! The animals gave a great cheer! That is when Hammond and Ester Egger came running around the house and saw the sunrise hitting the top of the haystack.

            They saw a baby carriage with planks coming out of both sides and what looked like a garden spinner on the front of the carriage twirling madly in the breeze. It had a tail of sorts. It kind of looked like barrel slats with swim fins sticking up at the end all covered in burlap. The whole contraption was covered in a coat of smooth mud. The occupant of the carriage was Yoakum! He was barking wildly, had a strip of gunnysack around his neck, a face mask over his eyes and the snorkel for the facemask was set on the front part of the carriage just in back of the spinning flower, like some kind of machine gun!

            Just as the Eggers had all this impressed on their minds, Goatee hit the carriage with a loud smack! For a moment it really did seem to fly. The carriage came down on the short ramp and hit the upturned end at great speed as it bounced up directly over the wallow. (The Eggers would later say it seemed like all the animals said “Ooooooh” and “Aaaaaah” while Yoakum was in the air.) The Carriage hit the mud of the wallow with a whooomph! Parts were flying everywhere! The Eggers Yelled “Yoakum! Are you OK?” As they came running. The farm animals seeing the Eggers, went running back to the barn and fields. Finding that Yoakum was not hurt and wondering why beavers were wearing yellow boots, Ester Egger told her husband “Mister you better ponder on what is going on with that dog before he breaks his fool neck!”                                                                                                                                                                     

Hammond, looking at a muddy picture of a Sopwith Camel said “I believe I know the problem and all I need to do is make a phone call.”

           

The next day Hammond came home after an early morning ride into town with Yoakum. Ester said “Where’s Yoakum! You didn’t get rid of him did you?”                                                                                    

“Now Ester.” said Hammond “Just you wait about five minutes and help me gather up all the animals and bring them to the field.” When all the animals arrived at the field close to the bee hive, the Eggers waited. Out of the south came the sound of a small plane coming steadily toward them. It was one of the biplanes used by the Everyly Sisters Crop Dusting Service “We dust what bugs you.”  Hammond said to Ester “I called Evangeline Everyly and she agreed to pick up Yoakum and drop him off at the beginning and end of her day. She said she would enjoy the company. I stopped off at the War Surplus and picked up the hat and goggles and Evangeline’s sister Eugenie found the scarf. She said they will take turns flying Yoakum.”   In the front cockpit was Yoakum! He had a red scarf streaming behind him and a leather cap with aviator goggles over his eyes. The pilot of the plane swooped low and the animals looked up and bellowed such a racket at the plane that the Eggers had to hold their hands over their ears! Yoakum was happily barking at his friends, the wind flapping his lips into a big smile. Yoakum was flying!

The Whistling Chickens on the Air and in the Air

            “Well that is a lot to ponder” said Hammond hanging up the phone. His wife, Ester Egger just stared at her husband knowing that a “ponder” had to work its way to the surface in its own good time. 

            Hammond chewed and sucked on his pipe; oh he never lit it, he just loved the feel of it in his hand and the smell of cherry tobacco he kept unlit in the long stemmed bowl. “It reminds me that my pondering needs a spark and that spark is always within my reach.” He would say.

 “That my dear wife was the producer of “Morning Breeze” TV program on KRPT TV. They saw the report in our local paper about the parade and want us to come into the studio for an interview.”

 “And?” said Ester, knowing that furrow on his forehead.

  “And they want the chickens to whistle for them.” Replied Hammond.

            Hammond got to work on the old horse trailer “As is, with all there in, no peeking” which he had bought at a yard sale a week ago. (The “all there in” inspired Hammond to pay $50.00 for the privilege of peeking at home.)   Emptying out the contents in the shed he found swim fins, face mask and snorkel, 5 ½  pairs of yellow rubber boots of various sizes, gunny sacks, a baby carriage, garden wind spinners in the shape of flowers, bailing wire, used horse shoes and a couple of empty barrels.  Working the morning away Hammond had covered all the openings with chicken wire and built roosts inside with partitions to shelter the chickens from the wind. “Just needs a coat of yellow paint and it is fit for the road,” said Hammond.

            Inside the house Yoakum, the Egger's Springer Spaniel Chicken Herding Dog, (still smelling of the pine tar soap from the scrubbing he got after landing in the pig pen covered in honey and feathers) was staring at the computer screen as Ester was surfing the net for napkin ideas for the “Every Third Wednesday-Except During Corn Husking Season-Ladies Quilt and Horse Shoe Club” luncheon. The theme this month was “Our fighting boys of the air.” Martha is going to make deviled eggs in the shape of a B 52 and Lonny is bringing two gooseberry pies. When questioned as to what this has to do with flight. She said “Howard Hughes.      
            Martha said, “Yes dear and?”                                          

 “Well” said Lonny “He was rich.”

 “Ok dear, but why gooseberry pie?”

 “Why Martha everybody knows he made the “Spruce Goose” for the military." Lonny always brought gooseberry pie and no matter what the theme was she had an explanation.

            Yoakum could not believe his eyes! On the computer screen was a picture of the perfect flying thing! He barked and put his front paws on the keyboard accidentally hitting the print screen button.  Ester laughed and said “Yoakum! Get down you silly dog! That’s just a Sopwith Camel! Now Get!” Yoakum spun in circles and the breeze he made caused the picture in the printer to fly out, Yoakum grabbed it and ran outside.

            Yoakum could not believe his luck!  The perfect flying thing, the ”Soppy Camo!” He knew just who could help him, off he ran to the beaver pond. The beavers were busy as usual moving wood and patting down mud. Life never stopped for them. It was almost too late when they saw Yoakum running toward them bounding over the water and onto their mound. “Well what can we do for you dearie?” Said Mrs.  Beaver. Yoakum explained his plan.

            Hammond, Ester and the chickens made their way into the big city. The bright yellow horse trailer, on its own ,was quite the object of attention but the sound of harmonizing whistling that came out of it was at times unsettling especially at stoplights. Hammond had set speakers in the trailer and controlled the songs for the birds to hear and practice. He thought three songs would be enough for the TV folk and picked out; Second Hand News - Fleetwood Mac, That’s the News - Merle Haggard: and Let it Go-The News Boys.

            They spent the night in a motel and were in the studio at 5am ready for the 6am morning show. The TV station had placed hay bales in a tiered formation for the chickens to sit on. Hammond and Ester arranged the chickens on the bales, the lights of the studio calmed them and soon the chickens were sleeping. The morning hosts of the “Morning Breeze” show were Gayle McGregorian (the male newscaster) and Gail Feely (the female newscaster.)  

            “Good morning and welcome to the Morning Breeze, consider this your “Gale” warning! Ho! Ho!  Good morning Gail.”

 “And good morning to you Gayle.” “Today we have the Eggers on our show with their flock of whistling chickens!”

 “Gail did you say whistling chickens?”

“Yes Gayle, I did. These are the same chickens that caused a ruckus at the Fourth of July parade this year in the rural town of...”

“Say Gail let’s talk to the owners of these chickens before we are up to our elbows in eggs Ho! Ho!”

And so Hammond and Ester told the story of the whistling chickens and were soon ready to have the birds perform after the commercial break.

The chickens were half way through Let it Go when a stage light exploded. The chickens startled, quit whistling and began flying around the studio. They pecked at the cables thinking they were worms. And they flew over Gayle and Gail teaching the duo a valuable lesson about never looking up at a flock of birds.

            At just that time a delivery man opened the large rolling door to the studio and the birds flew out into the city. Hammond told Ester, “Stay here in case they come back. I'll chase them down!” Off he went in his pickup and horse trailer. The birds attacked the city buses thinking they were giant caterpillars, and were winging their way to the park. Now the city had a pigeon problem and had started a control program several years ago using Red Tailed and Coopers Hawks. A flight of hawks saw the chickens down below them and nearly bumped into each other. “Biggest pigeons I have ever seen!" Screeched the lead hawk.

            The chickens were heading for the park, the hawks were high above the chickens waiting for their chance, and Hammond was following slowly closing the gap. On the corner at the entrance to the park there were three musicians playing for tips, a blonde muscular young man playing a trumpet, a long haired brunett young lady playing the trombone and a tall curly haired young man playing the guitar. They were playing "Killing Me Softly With His Song." The chickens came to a halt, surrounded the trio and began to whistle. Hammond was a half a block away and was relieved to see his birds on the ground but then looked up and saw a phalanx of hawks diving for his chickens. With tears in his eyes he tried to get close enough to save some of his birds when a bus blocked his view. What he saw when the bus moved out of the way would forever be burned into his memory.

            There was a crowd around the musicians and the chickens were whistling to the  trios playing; and the hawks, well the hawks were humming! Yes humming hawks! Who could have known?

 Hammond motioned for the musicians to keep playing while he herded his chickens into the trailer. The hawks wanted to follow but Hammond gently moved them aside.  Having gotten all his chickens into the trailer and closing the door, he walked over to the trio and thanked them. Looking down he saw that in each of their open instrument cases among the tip money was an egg. Hammond gave instructions on the care, handling and hatching of an egg and also gave them his phone number if they had any questions about the feeding and care of whistling chickens.

            The KRPT news truck had followed Hammond and had gotten the whole thing on live TV. Hammond and Ester spent and extra day in the city talking to news reporters, and were soon on their way back home. Little did they know that what they came home to would be a whole lot stranger than whistling chickens and humming hawks!

The Whistling Chickens go to town

Hammond Egger and his wife Ester own a free range chicken ranch; selling chickens and eggs to people who want to eat meat “guilt free.” All their chickens roam the ranch eating bugs and natural grain, no cages for them!  The big barn has lots of warm cozy nests and every night Yoakum, (the Eggers chicken herding Springer Spaniel,) herds the chickens to the barn.

                The Eggers trim the feathers of the chickens twice a year so they won’t fly away. This is long and tedious work. Yoakum wishes he could fly and has been gathering feathers in the hopes of learning the art of flying.

                 One day at the chicken round up and feather clipping, Hammond was whistling the tune “The Streets of Laredo.”  When, to his amazement his lead chicken, Elli May, flew by and started whistling the song! At her first pucker… bam! She hit the ground and when she came to she whistled the song and walked around as happy as a chicken could be. Hammond noticed that when she became distracted by a bug she stopped whistling and flew toward the morsel.

                “Hmmmm,” said Hammond Egger. “I need to ponder this.” (Pondering was Hammond’s word for thinking) Ester Egger knew that this could take a while. She often told her Every Third Wednesday-Except During Corn Husking Season-Ladies Quilt and Horse Shoe Club;  “When Hammond goes to pondering you never know for how long or just what might pop out! Why last time he went to pondering he taught Yoakum to put the dishes in the dishwasher!”

The ladies never would ask Ester to bring a dish to the pot lucks after that. She always brought the napkins.

                 Two days later Hammond set up his boom box in the barn.  With all the chickens gathered round he closed the door and began the auditions. He played the same song he was whistling the day Elli May hit the ground. The chickens grew silent. Soon Elli May started to whistle and promptly fell off her roost. Other chickens began to whistle and walk around the barn. Hammond had a lot to ponder!

While testing the songs Hammond found out that Country Music made the chickens argue (and he caught them trying to build a still.) Heavy Metal made them walk in circles, overdeveloping one leg and Rap Music, well let’s just say there were several tongue injuries.

                While this was going on, Yoakum made a deal with the Queen Bee of the local hive. He traded dog fur for the promise of honey (the Queen had always wanted a fur coat.) Yoakum had a plan.

Three days later a tired Hammond and over half the flock came walking out of the barn to the tune “Bridge on the River Kwai.”

The Eggers business of selling free range chickens and eggs had a momentary set back while the Eggers began a breeding program.  Hammond found a rooster who could whistle “Strangers in the Night.” The rooster was a hit with the chicks and as a bonus made the coyotes very nervous at night. Ester Egger taught the chicks to peep the music scale. Soon the Eggers had a full flock of whistling chickens and while the neighbors dubbed the ranch “The Puckering Fowl Choral” The Eggers re-named their ranch “The Whistling Chicken Ranch.”

The turning point in their lives came while reading the local paper, The Daily Spud. Hammond saw that the town was looking for entries for the Fourth of July Parade. This year the theme of the parade was, as it was every year: “Potatoes-Our Rich History in the Valley.” Hammond pondered this, and sent in his $25.00 entry fee.

                The day of the parade was a scorcher. Hammond had trained his chickens to whistle “Sweet Potato Pie.” He had the High School Drill Team dressed as chickens, walking on either side of the flock and tapping walking sticks on the ground to keep time for the birds. Hammond applied red glitter lip gloss to the chickens’ beaks and sprinkled red, silver and blue glitter on their backs.

                His chickens were marching behind the High School Glee Club, whose float consisted of a huge bowl of mashed potatoes in the back of a pickup truck. The Glee Club, being of the “Goth” persuasion was dressed in black with black capes. They walked on either side of the pickup glaring mournfully at the crowd.

The Potato Queen, Mary Lou Thornpacker, in a beautiful yellow dress, was ahead of the Glee Club throwing  mashed potato candy*  from the back seat of a convertible provided by her dad, Throtmorton P. Thornpacker of  Thornpacker  Motors.  With a sign on the back of the car that  read  “Thornpacker, Don’t get Stuck With a Lemon!”

The local soda pop company (Spud Cola™ “We have our eyes, on your thirst”) had hired the High School Cheer Leaders to be dancing soda bottles, skipping up and down the parade route with only their legs showing under the paper mache bottles.

At the end of the day sitting on his porch at home Hammond pondered at what had gone wrongs that day. He figured the lip gloss on the chickens, combined with the heat, caused their beaks to soften up, rendering them unable to whistle. This had happened just as the Glee Club pulled in front of the judges’ at the top of the hill. The giant bowl of mashed potatoes began to move, the Glee Club, arms outstretched began to twirl as a giant paper mache potato bug popped out of the bowl!

                 Now a free range chicken loves potato bugs more than any other bug and the birds were stunned by the sight of the giant potato bug, but not for long, with the now softened beaks unable to whistle they flew into the air in a cloud of red, silver and blue glitter. The drill team in their chicken outfits, blinded by the glitter, dropped their walking sticks which rolled on the ground, tripping the dancing soda bottles causing the girls to roll down the hill at an alarming rate.

The chickens attacked the “potato bug” and the whirling “Goths” (which looked like spiders to the chickens.) The Glee Club later reported to the newspaper “Gentle people always perish in an unkind world.”

Mary Lou Thornpacker screamed as a six pack of friends went  spinning by, causing swerving floats, run away horses, and a strange accident with a tuba that resulted in at least two people  taking the pledge to quit drinking the following Sunday!

                The chickens, realizing that there was no food, flew into the sky leaving trails of red silver and blue glitter shimmering through the air.

                Sitting on their porch Hammond and Ester pondered what would become of the ranch seeing as the chickens had flown off to parts unknown.  The rain had finally let up, (most unusual for any rain in July, let alone a rain with a red, silver and blue sparkly appearance) leaving Hammond also pondering about the rain making business.

Meanwhile Yoakum was about fifty feet from the wood pile, surrounded by bees placing dabs of honey on him and attaching feathers in the honey. The Queen was directing the placement of the feathers while wearing her new fur coat (complete with dog ears on either side of the hood.) The Queen at last pronounced him “Ready to fly!” 

He took off running toward the wood pile. Up he ran, sailing off the end, a smile on his face, bees buzzing encouragements, feathers flying!  The pigs in their wallow looked up to see Yoakum, feathers and bees headed for their mud. “Hmmmmm,” they thought “You don’t see this every day!”

Hammond and Ester Egger ran from the porch swing almost knocking over the new trophy for “Best Aerial Display;” to see what the commotion was when in the distance they heard the “Stars and Stripes Forever” being whistled by the chickens!  (The rain had washed off the lip gloss!) Down the road they came marching through the mud.  His chickens had come home to roost!

* MASHED POTATO CANDY 

4 c. coconut
3/4 c. cooked, cold mashed potatoes
1 lb. powdered sugar
6 oz. chocolate chips
A small piece of paraffin

Mix the first 3 ingredients together. Shape into balls the size of a walnut. Let dry on wax paper. Melt chips and paraffin on low heat. Dip balls into chocolate.