Hammond Egger and his wife Ester own
a free range chicken ranch; selling chickens and eggs to people who want to eat
meat “guilt free.” All their chickens roam the ranch eating bugs and natural grain,
no cages for them! The big barn has lots
of warm cozy nests and every night Yoakum, (the Eggers chicken herding Springer
Spaniel,) herds the chickens to the barn.
The
Eggers trim the feathers of the chickens twice a year so they won’t fly away. This
is long and tedious work. Yoakum wishes he could fly and has been gathering
feathers in the hopes of learning the art of flying.
One day at the chicken round up and feather
clipping, Hammond was whistling the tune “The Streets of Laredo.” When, to his amazement his lead chicken, Elli
May, flew by and started whistling the song! At her first pucker… bam! She hit the ground and when she
came to she whistled the song and walked around as happy as a chicken could be.
Hammond noticed that when she became distracted by a bug she stopped whistling
and flew toward the morsel.
“Hmmmm,”
said Hammond Egger. “I need to ponder this.” (Pondering was Hammond’s word for
thinking) Ester Egger knew that this could take a while. She often told her Every
Third Wednesday-Except During Corn Husking Season-Ladies Quilt and Horse Shoe
Club; “When Hammond goes to pondering
you never know for how long or just what might pop out! Why last time he went
to pondering he taught Yoakum to put the dishes in the dishwasher!”
The ladies never
would ask Ester to bring a dish to the pot lucks after that. She always brought
the napkins.
Two days later Hammond set up his boom box in
the barn. With all the chickens gathered
round he closed the door and began the auditions. He played the same song he
was whistling the day Elli May hit the ground. The chickens grew silent. Soon
Elli May started to whistle and promptly fell off her roost. Other chickens
began to whistle and walk around the barn. Hammond had a lot to ponder!
While testing the songs
Hammond found out that Country Music made the chickens argue (and he caught
them trying to build a still.) Heavy Metal made them walk in circles, overdeveloping
one leg and Rap Music, well let’s just say there were several tongue injuries.
While
this was going on, Yoakum made a deal with the Queen Bee of the local hive. He traded
dog fur for the promise of honey (the Queen had always wanted a fur coat.)
Yoakum had a plan.
Three days later a
tired Hammond and over half the flock came walking out of the barn to the tune
“Bridge on the River Kwai.”
The Eggers
business of selling free range chickens and eggs had a momentary set back while
the Eggers began a breeding program.
Hammond found a rooster who could whistle “Strangers in the Night.” The
rooster was a hit with the chicks and as a bonus made the coyotes very nervous at night. Ester Egger
taught the chicks to peep the music scale. Soon the Eggers had a full flock of whistling chickens and while the
neighbors dubbed the ranch “The Puckering Fowl Choral” The Eggers re-named
their ranch “The Whistling Chicken Ranch.”
The turning point
in their lives came while reading the local paper, The Daily Spud. Hammond
saw that the town was looking for entries for the Fourth of July Parade. This
year the theme of the parade was, as it was every year: “Potatoes-Our Rich
History in the Valley.” Hammond pondered this, and sent in his $25.00 entry
fee.
The
day of the parade was a scorcher. Hammond had trained his chickens to whistle
“Sweet Potato Pie.” He had the High School Drill Team dressed as chickens,
walking on either side of the flock and tapping walking sticks on the ground to
keep time for the birds. Hammond applied red glitter lip gloss to the chickens’
beaks and sprinkled red, silver and blue glitter on their backs.
His
chickens were marching behind the High School Glee Club, whose float consisted
of a huge bowl of mashed potatoes in the back of a pickup truck. The Glee Club,
being of the “Goth” persuasion was dressed in black with black capes. They
walked on either side of the pickup glaring mournfully at the crowd.
The Potato Queen,
Mary Lou Thornpacker, in a beautiful yellow dress, was ahead of the Glee Club throwing
mashed potato candy* from the back seat of a convertible provided
by her dad, Throtmorton P. Thornpacker of Thornpacker
Motors. With a sign on the back
of the car that read “Thornpacker, Don’t get Stuck With a Lemon!”
The local soda pop
company (Spud Cola™ “We have our eyes, on your thirst”) had hired the High
School Cheer Leaders to be dancing soda bottles, skipping up and down the
parade route with only their legs showing under the paper mache bottles.
At the end of the
day sitting on his porch at home Hammond pondered at what had gone wrongs that
day. He figured the lip gloss on the chickens, combined with the heat, caused
their beaks to soften up, rendering them unable to whistle. This had happened
just as the Glee Club pulled in front of the judges’ at the top
of the hill. The giant bowl of mashed potatoes began to move, the Glee Club,
arms outstretched began to twirl as a giant paper mache potato bug popped out
of the bowl!
Now a free range chicken loves potato bugs
more than any other bug and the birds were stunned by the sight of the giant potato
bug, but not for long, with the now softened beaks unable to whistle they flew
into the air in a cloud of red, silver and blue glitter. The drill team in
their chicken outfits, blinded by the glitter, dropped their walking sticks
which rolled on the ground, tripping the dancing soda bottles causing the girls
to roll down the hill at an alarming rate.
The chickens
attacked the “potato bug” and the whirling “Goths” (which looked like spiders
to the chickens.) The Glee Club later reported to the newspaper “Gentle people
always perish in an unkind world.”
Mary Lou
Thornpacker screamed as a six pack of friends went spinning by, causing swerving floats, run away
horses, and a strange accident with a tuba that resulted in at least two people
taking the pledge to quit drinking the following
Sunday!
The
chickens, realizing that there was no food, flew into the sky leaving trails of
red silver and blue glitter shimmering through the air.
Sitting
on their porch Hammond and Ester pondered what would become of the ranch seeing
as the chickens had flown off to parts unknown.
The rain had finally let up, (most unusual for any rain in July, let
alone a rain with a red, silver and blue sparkly appearance) leaving Hammond
also pondering about the rain making business.
Meanwhile Yoakum
was about fifty feet from the wood pile, surrounded by bees placing dabs of
honey on him and attaching feathers in the honey. The Queen was directing the
placement of the feathers while wearing her new fur coat (complete with dog
ears on either side of the hood.) The Queen at last pronounced him “Ready to
fly!”
He took off
running toward the wood pile. Up he ran, sailing off the end, a smile on his
face, bees buzzing encouragements, feathers flying! The pigs in their wallow looked up to see
Yoakum, feathers and bees headed for their mud. “Hmmmmm,” they thought “You
don’t see this every day!”
Hammond and Ester
Egger ran from the porch swing almost knocking over the new trophy for “Best
Aerial Display;” to see what the commotion was when in the distance they heard
the “Stars and Stripes Forever” being whistled by the chickens! (The rain had washed off the lip gloss!) Down
the road they came marching through the mud.
His chickens had come
home to roost!
* MASHED POTATO CANDY
4 c. coconut
3/4 c. cooked, cold mashed potatoes
1 lb. powdered sugar
6 oz. chocolate chips
A small piece of paraffin
3/4 c. cooked, cold mashed potatoes
1 lb. powdered sugar
6 oz. chocolate chips
A small piece of paraffin
Mix the first 3
ingredients together. Shape into balls the size of a walnut. Let dry on wax
paper. Melt chips and paraffin on low heat. Dip balls into chocolate.
