The Whistling Chickens go to town

Hammond Egger and his wife Ester own a free range chicken ranch; selling chickens and eggs to people who want to eat meat “guilt free.” All their chickens roam the ranch eating bugs and natural grain, no cages for them!  The big barn has lots of warm cozy nests and every night Yoakum, (the Eggers chicken herding Springer Spaniel,) herds the chickens to the barn.

                The Eggers trim the feathers of the chickens twice a year so they won’t fly away. This is long and tedious work. Yoakum wishes he could fly and has been gathering feathers in the hopes of learning the art of flying.

                 One day at the chicken round up and feather clipping, Hammond was whistling the tune “The Streets of Laredo.”  When, to his amazement his lead chicken, Elli May, flew by and started whistling the song! At her first pucker… bam! She hit the ground and when she came to she whistled the song and walked around as happy as a chicken could be. Hammond noticed that when she became distracted by a bug she stopped whistling and flew toward the morsel.

                “Hmmmm,” said Hammond Egger. “I need to ponder this.” (Pondering was Hammond’s word for thinking) Ester Egger knew that this could take a while. She often told her Every Third Wednesday-Except During Corn Husking Season-Ladies Quilt and Horse Shoe Club;  “When Hammond goes to pondering you never know for how long or just what might pop out! Why last time he went to pondering he taught Yoakum to put the dishes in the dishwasher!”

The ladies never would ask Ester to bring a dish to the pot lucks after that. She always brought the napkins.

                 Two days later Hammond set up his boom box in the barn.  With all the chickens gathered round he closed the door and began the auditions. He played the same song he was whistling the day Elli May hit the ground. The chickens grew silent. Soon Elli May started to whistle and promptly fell off her roost. Other chickens began to whistle and walk around the barn. Hammond had a lot to ponder!

While testing the songs Hammond found out that Country Music made the chickens argue (and he caught them trying to build a still.) Heavy Metal made them walk in circles, overdeveloping one leg and Rap Music, well let’s just say there were several tongue injuries.

                While this was going on, Yoakum made a deal with the Queen Bee of the local hive. He traded dog fur for the promise of honey (the Queen had always wanted a fur coat.) Yoakum had a plan.

Three days later a tired Hammond and over half the flock came walking out of the barn to the tune “Bridge on the River Kwai.”

The Eggers business of selling free range chickens and eggs had a momentary set back while the Eggers began a breeding program.  Hammond found a rooster who could whistle “Strangers in the Night.” The rooster was a hit with the chicks and as a bonus made the coyotes very nervous at night. Ester Egger taught the chicks to peep the music scale. Soon the Eggers had a full flock of whistling chickens and while the neighbors dubbed the ranch “The Puckering Fowl Choral” The Eggers re-named their ranch “The Whistling Chicken Ranch.”

The turning point in their lives came while reading the local paper, The Daily Spud. Hammond saw that the town was looking for entries for the Fourth of July Parade. This year the theme of the parade was, as it was every year: “Potatoes-Our Rich History in the Valley.” Hammond pondered this, and sent in his $25.00 entry fee.

                The day of the parade was a scorcher. Hammond had trained his chickens to whistle “Sweet Potato Pie.” He had the High School Drill Team dressed as chickens, walking on either side of the flock and tapping walking sticks on the ground to keep time for the birds. Hammond applied red glitter lip gloss to the chickens’ beaks and sprinkled red, silver and blue glitter on their backs.

                His chickens were marching behind the High School Glee Club, whose float consisted of a huge bowl of mashed potatoes in the back of a pickup truck. The Glee Club, being of the “Goth” persuasion was dressed in black with black capes. They walked on either side of the pickup glaring mournfully at the crowd.

The Potato Queen, Mary Lou Thornpacker, in a beautiful yellow dress, was ahead of the Glee Club throwing  mashed potato candy*  from the back seat of a convertible provided by her dad, Throtmorton P. Thornpacker of  Thornpacker  Motors.  With a sign on the back of the car that  read  “Thornpacker, Don’t get Stuck With a Lemon!”

The local soda pop company (Spud Cola™ “We have our eyes, on your thirst”) had hired the High School Cheer Leaders to be dancing soda bottles, skipping up and down the parade route with only their legs showing under the paper mache bottles.

At the end of the day sitting on his porch at home Hammond pondered at what had gone wrongs that day. He figured the lip gloss on the chickens, combined with the heat, caused their beaks to soften up, rendering them unable to whistle. This had happened just as the Glee Club pulled in front of the judges’ at the top of the hill. The giant bowl of mashed potatoes began to move, the Glee Club, arms outstretched began to twirl as a giant paper mache potato bug popped out of the bowl!

                 Now a free range chicken loves potato bugs more than any other bug and the birds were stunned by the sight of the giant potato bug, but not for long, with the now softened beaks unable to whistle they flew into the air in a cloud of red, silver and blue glitter. The drill team in their chicken outfits, blinded by the glitter, dropped their walking sticks which rolled on the ground, tripping the dancing soda bottles causing the girls to roll down the hill at an alarming rate.

The chickens attacked the “potato bug” and the whirling “Goths” (which looked like spiders to the chickens.) The Glee Club later reported to the newspaper “Gentle people always perish in an unkind world.”

Mary Lou Thornpacker screamed as a six pack of friends went  spinning by, causing swerving floats, run away horses, and a strange accident with a tuba that resulted in at least two people  taking the pledge to quit drinking the following Sunday!

                The chickens, realizing that there was no food, flew into the sky leaving trails of red silver and blue glitter shimmering through the air.

                Sitting on their porch Hammond and Ester pondered what would become of the ranch seeing as the chickens had flown off to parts unknown.  The rain had finally let up, (most unusual for any rain in July, let alone a rain with a red, silver and blue sparkly appearance) leaving Hammond also pondering about the rain making business.

Meanwhile Yoakum was about fifty feet from the wood pile, surrounded by bees placing dabs of honey on him and attaching feathers in the honey. The Queen was directing the placement of the feathers while wearing her new fur coat (complete with dog ears on either side of the hood.) The Queen at last pronounced him “Ready to fly!” 

He took off running toward the wood pile. Up he ran, sailing off the end, a smile on his face, bees buzzing encouragements, feathers flying!  The pigs in their wallow looked up to see Yoakum, feathers and bees headed for their mud. “Hmmmmm,” they thought “You don’t see this every day!”

Hammond and Ester Egger ran from the porch swing almost knocking over the new trophy for “Best Aerial Display;” to see what the commotion was when in the distance they heard the “Stars and Stripes Forever” being whistled by the chickens!  (The rain had washed off the lip gloss!) Down the road they came marching through the mud.  His chickens had come home to roost!

* MASHED POTATO CANDY 

4 c. coconut
3/4 c. cooked, cold mashed potatoes
1 lb. powdered sugar
6 oz. chocolate chips
A small piece of paraffin

Mix the first 3 ingredients together. Shape into balls the size of a walnut. Let dry on wax paper. Melt chips and paraffin on low heat. Dip balls into chocolate.